My mind is cluttered with all the history and histrionics of a brother and sister who hold grudges against me and I don’t understand why. I’ve spent my life trying to be kind and helpful to all the people in my life, but for some reason they have chosen to see me as the enemy. I wonder if that goes back to how our mother raised us. Pitting one against the other by saying “do you know what your sister/brother said about you?” And it was always something negative.

My brother once told me it was my fault that he moved back to Florida at the age of 15 to finish out high school at Palmetto. Since I was 17 at the time, I don’t understand how it could have been my fault. I made no decisions for him. All I remember is how unhappy he was in Tenafly, NJ and one day he got in the car we were supposed to be sharing and drove back to Florida. What I do remember is my father asking me for money to help support Aaron in Florida and I gave whatever I could afford under the circumstances, since I was already helping to pay the rent and food costs for my mother, father and sister at a grand salary of $85 a week.

I’m sitting here crying my eyes out and feeling terribly sad. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried. I take lots of medicine to stop that from happening and for 2 days it hasn’t worked. So instead of calling the doctor, I’m going to try and write everything down that has been playing over and over in my mind like a broken record.

This is what Aaron wrote me:

“I Thank you both for concern. Noah , Julian and I are fine. Know I have been taking care of all as Terra left family 1.5 years ago and I have been taking care of all . Noah has a few more months of high school and Julian another year of college. I will not respond to what happen as doing all for my family. We are fine and just had Sunday dinner together . Hope all is well with all ! Business and all mine just trying to move ahead. Sure everyone wants to know detail as way it has always been with Kirsch family . Being single dad has been challenge but figuring it out . No questions and no help needed ! Best Aaron”

His assumption that I wanted to know the details of his life because “it has always been with Kirsch family” hit me in a bad way. I have not, nor have I asked anything about his personal life since he stopped talking to me in 2006. He chose not to discuss his reasons for not talking to me and I chose to not let it effect my life as I had other things happening.

His response to me was “So a dig you still have to do as reason I have been silent.” What the fuck is he talking about? He makes a “dig” about me wanting to know details and then criticizes me for questioning why he thinks that.

Aaron, you and I are from 2 different worlds. I am not the ogre you have created in your mind. My friends think I am kind, thoughtful, considerate, gentle, funny, truthful (sometimes too truthful) and I’m not talking about 1 or 2 friends, I’m talking about many. Janette agrees with you on some levels–so you are the only 2 people in my world who think bad of me. Thank God I am loved by other’s because if I only had the word of the two of you I might have killed myself. That’s not being dramatic–it’s the truth.