I have packed as far as I can until I’m ready to drive away. I don’t leave for another 2 weeks and am tired of this waiting. I have felt I am in stasis since Aug. 9 when I told my sister I was leaving earlier than expected. The longest month of my life I think.

I am scared of what the future holds. I have never felt like this before. Kind of like a trapeze artist without a net. Not sure of what I’m going to do, though I have a plan.

I’m going to be 60 years old in October and just can’t believe that lack of security at my age. Nothing is what I thought it would be. My only family left is Aunt Erna and Uncle Bernie and they are both pretty old and won’t be on this earth much longer. Even though I have a living sister and brother—they both have abandoned me. I have done nothing to either one of them, yet they both harbor hatred toward me and I can’t figure out why. Should I even try when dealing with crazy? Why can’t I hate them? It would be so much easier.

I have to figure out a way to live my life loving me. I’ve never done that before. But after reading all the self-help articles and books, it is the only answer. Can a 60-year-old do that?

I need to stop crying.