I have packed as far as I can until I’m ready to drive away. I don’t leave for another 2 weeks and am tired of this waiting. I have felt I am in stasis since Aug. 9 when I told my sister I was leaving earlier than expected. The longest month of my life I think.

I am scared of what the future holds. I have never felt like this before. Kind of like a trapeze artist without a net. Not sure of what I’m going to do, though I have a plan.

I’m going to be 60 years old in October and just can’t believe that lack of security at my age. Nothing is what I thought it would be. My only family left is Aunt Erna and Uncle Bernie and they are both pretty old and won’t be on this earth much longer. Even though I have a living sister and brother—they both have abandoned me. I have done nothing to either one of them, yet they both harbor hatred toward me and I can’t figure out why. Should I even try when dealing with crazy? Why can’t I hate them? It would be so much easier.

I have to figure out a way to live my life loving me. I’ve never done that before. But after reading all the self-help articles and books, it is the only answer. Can a 60-year-old do that?

I need to stop crying.

Living here is as hard as living with MZ. Don’t know what’s going to happen from moment to moment. More like what is Janette going say moment to moment. One minute she “acts” nice and the next she is mean.

When I first arrived in Las Vegas I could see she had no patience. If she showed me where the mall was and I didn’t remember it after one time there she belittled me. She wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I remember anything.

Before I got here she told me about all the things we were going to do when I got here. So I got here and she didn’t want to do anything with me due to my limitations. At first I couldn’t do a lot of physical things because I weighed 330 lbs. and my knees hurt all the time. So we decided to wait until I had the D/S surgery and start to lose weight.

I was supposed to be getting my health back. That was the priority, or so I thought. Once I got approval for surgery she went full speed ahead with organizing her life to be there for me in Los Angeles where I had the surgery.

I had the D/S Switch surgery on Nov. 8. I was released 3 days later and we hung out in a hotel until the surgeon released me back to Vegas. Janette made me feel obligated to walk with her to every restaurant as she didn’t want to eat alone. She really didn’t care that I just had surgery and perhaps I wasn’t ready for long walks. She took me to restaurants that didn’t have food for someone who just had D/S surgery—though she had the same surgery the year before. I ate sashimi 4 days after surgery—I don’t think the surgeon would have approved. But as I’ve done all my life, I didn’t want to upset my sister.

I’ve never understood why it didn’t matter if she upset me. I never saw her as narcissistic until now.